so i was trying to figure out where to put this because it is not really even for you... but for God; a written wrestling within.
i was listening to a sermon by Paul Washer(yeah i know...) on the relationship between Christ and his bride. as paul goes through Song of Solomon 5, this is what he pointed out:

". . .notice he doesn't ask for permission to visit her. why? because love never believes that it has to ask permission to come for a visit. love believes that it will always be accepted when it knocks on the door. so he comes. . ."

as i heard that i realized that i do not feel that way about my relationships with anyone, even my family. I always feel like i am a burden to everyone, a nuisance to all I meet. even at Matthias, who God has gifted this family with an amazing ability to fellowship and have community, i struggle with this idea that i am unwanted. I know that this is a heart issue. even as i am typing I am trying to convince myself that it is foolishness, yet a part of me clings to all of the times i have been "left out" or "forgotten". when something has been planned and "everyone is invited", but no one actually told me about it and i only over heard about it. everything in my mind says, well you should not go, you don't know that you are welcome. Kimmel tries to explain that this is not the case, yet I can not wrap my mind around it. But at the same time, i know if the situation were reversed any and everyone from church would be invited every time, regardless of everything, because even in all of my fear and hesitation I love them, yet i have never and as of now cannot assume that it is felt in return.

I think i do not believe i am truly lovable. I know God loves me. but his love is also non-comparable to anything else, so in essence what i am saying is that i believe that only God is able to love me. it sound silly when i say it out loud, yet all of my actions and thoughts and belief, reflect this foundational piece. Recently someone posed the question "do you remember the last person who said "i love you", his intent was to get the crowd to either think of a romantic or flippant usage of the term. Well of course, i did not go there, but to the parking lot of All American, where in the middle of a "heated discussion" with sean, he looked at me and pleaded with me to understand that I was loved, he tried to explain that which i could not understand then. And now my heart is breaking over all of the pain I probably caused him, he saw then, that I did not recognize that worth loving, and when he pleaded with me to open up, all I did was retract further, trying to shield him, from having to sympathize with the pain and sin that I am daily being broken of. Looking back, I can now see why we don't talk or have a working relationship.

Lord, i don't want to be stuck in this cycle anymore, but I don't know where the gap to escape is so you are going to have to lead me to it and through it. If it is not to late please allow a way, that my friendship with sean might be repaired in some way.